


never know

by hollowdeer



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: F/F, Grief, Moving On, Past Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-08-09 21:04:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7817164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollowdeer/pseuds/hollowdeer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The empty times in Lenara's life are quickly filled by memories and fantasies, and sometimes it's hard for her to tell the difference.</p>
            </blockquote>





	never know

            They haunted her constantly, all those what-if scenarios, all the things that could’ve been if the situation had just been slightly different. Whenever Lenara let down her guard, these unwelcome thoughts would flood in and overwhelm her.

            She would sit down after a long day on her feet, overseeing some experiment or another, with a report to write and a cup of tea in one hand. But the words would rearrange themselves on the page until she had no choice but to put the padd down and rub at her eyes. And just as they closed, Jadzia’s face would interrupt the brief darkness, begging her not to leave, a mirror image of her memories from just a week ago now.

            The days grew longer as these moments became more and more frequent. Lenara would pace her house at night, trying to find distractions to keep her occupied until she became too tired to resist sleep anymore, and too tired to dream as well. She became more distant, threw herself into her work with a frenzy even as her movements proved careless. Her brother warned her of the dangers of overworking herself, but eventually he gave up trying to get through to her, realizing that there was nothing he could do to relieve what was troubling her.

            And it wasn’t regret that was keeping her up at night, not really. She believed what she had done was the right thing – she knew it was – and yet, she wished she had had the confidence, as Jadzia had, to do the wrong thing. She wished she had had the bravery to follow her heart instead of letting her mind, her conscience lead.

            She applied more and more to research opportunities that would physically distance herself from her home, matching the distance she felt in her soul from the place that had been so important to her only a few months ago – or was it years now? – when she couldn’t have stood the thought of leaving it behind. A part of her desperately hoped that maybe fate would bring Jadzia back to her, have them meet on a far-away colony for perhaps just a day. A day of relief, where she could spill her soul and its plague upon someone who would understand and lessen the pain, even if for just a temporary moment. But she knew these daydreams of hers were foolish, even as she studied the transport logs for every destination and yet still managed to be struck with disappointment for the omission on the lists.

            Lenara thought that maybe, if life was kind enough to bring them together again, that she would choose a different option, even as she knew it was too late for a second chance. But if the two of them ended up seated next to each other on a shuttle headed to a planet experiencing a particularly unusual ion storm, well… she would simply see it as meant to be.

            But as time went on, Lenara reconciled with herself. She knew she wouldn’t have been happy leaving behind her life to live recklessly in love, no matter how appealing it might’ve been. She had imagined many versions of the story, of how her short visit to Deep Space Nine could’ve ended differently, but they all fell apart as she realized their impracticality. No, that wasn’t the life she was meant to lead, no matter how aggravated it made her symbiont or how her heart froze with the memories of Nilani.

            She was Lenara, and she was Kahn, but she was not Nilani. It went against the very basis of being joined. Her purpose was to give Kahn more memories and experiences, allow the symbiont to live a new life, not repeat the past.

            So she continued doing what she had always done. She focused on herself, on fulfilling the dreams that had inspired her to become joined in the first place. If there was one thing that Dax had taught her, it was to not deprive herself of the joys of living. So, although she did not take this to the extremes her once lover had, Lenara found happiness again.

            She became one of the leading scientists on Trill, with her papers from subjects such as theoretical cosmology and even on her studies of the creation of an artificial wormhole receiving prestigious awards. She was still utterly absorbed in her work, but she didn’t let it encompass her as it once had. She kept time for other pleasures as well, strengthening the familial bonds with her brother and fathers through a steady stream of communications and visits, as Bejal had left the ministry of science to pursue his more artistic inclinations near the same time she had abandoned him. And when the opportunity arrived for her to leave her homeplanet for a long-term post on a starship, she leaped at the chance to get away for a different reason than before.

            Exploring the stars and getting an up-close experience of what she was studying opened many new realms for her, even as it took her farther and farther from a certain space station and the science officer who still dreamed of her from time to time. But she found new love here in a courageous and outspoken engineer who lacked the bright blue eyes of Dax but held a similar sparkle of rebellion. Lenara found herself intrigued and enraptured by the logical mind amid the pointed ears, having to stir herself from staring as their gazes locked and their hands brushed each other’s. She felt young and carefree, finally taking the risk on love with none of the long-term consequences that had shattered her last. On their first date together, she discovered that she had a pattern to her attractions that went beyond the beauty of a dark-haired damsel, but instead centered on those with no fear of being different or striking their own path in the world. And she decided then that she would be proud to follow this path wherever it may lead, this inclination communicated with a simple smile shared over entwined hands.

            It was nearly a year after when she awoke with a start one night with the feeling that something was terribly, terribly wrong. It was just nagging at her mind, fraying her concentration and making her unable to get back to sleep. T’lor stirred beside her, and Lenara sat up a moment, watching her companion’s gentle breathing as she settled again, before rising noiselessly. She stood at the viewport as the stars blurred around the ship in warp until finally she realized where her anxiety originated.

            It had been a while since she had last contacted Jadzia. They had shared the occasional transmission with each other up until Lenara had cut her off, figuring that friendship just made it harder for her to move on. One more message couldn’t hurt now and she couldn’t sit up forever worrying about her former lover, so she keyed in the encryption code – just in case – and sent an inquiry off into the darkness and silence of space.

            When morning came, and Lenara had finally given up on her restless sleep, she checked the console in her quarters. A light blinked in the corner, signaling that a message had arrived in the night, but it did nothing to alleviate her uneasiness. Instead, what she had read came as a shock to her, a hurt she felt in her core unlike anything else. It was as if the ship had come to a sudden stop mid-flight, jolting her entire world off balance and sending her stumbling back onto the bed as she regained her bearings.

            It brought back memories swiftly to the front of her mind, confusing herself for another. Jadzia was not Torias, and yet the similarities converged at the same result; another Dax had gone and left her. But this time Nilani was not there to watch the crash, to cradle her husband’s body in her arms and watch as the last breath left him. That was someone else’s job now, and Lenara could only hear of it indirectly, through cold and stiff words from people she never knew as she observed the effects from over hundreds of lightyears away.

            T’lor looked up from where she was combing through her hair on the other side of the bed, her eyes filled with concern, but Lenara waved her away once she was able to see beyond her mind. Instead of moving away though, the Vulcan reached for her lover’s hand and held it firmly in both of her own. Lenara refused to meet her gaze, but allowed herself to be pulled into an embrace that attempted to thaw the chill eating at her heart and push away the memories that were better forgotten.

            She felt the pain of this loss as strongly as she had the first, when she had been too cowardly and correct to live by Jadzia’s side, and now, with such an incredible distance between them, she had lost her again. All those daydreams that flitted in the back of her mind now and again were permanently, irreparably crushed. She had lost love, the hope of returning to it, and now the lover as well. It was just like Torias all over again, and the past repeats.

            Lenara sat there for a long while, not speaking, just thinking of how much she wished she could have been at Jadzia’s side this one last time, or how she could have at least treasured their friendship enough to put aside the pain and continue it. T’lor held her close, patiently drawing smooth circles on her back with her fingers, as her own lost love had once done for her, and waited for the sobs to subside. Lenara drew back and, finally meeting empathic eyes, smiled, bittersweet.

\---

            It was a few weeks after this incident, when Lenara was busying herself tidying up her room and procrastinating her latest, tedious report, that the console’s light blinked again with the sound of an incoming communication.

            It was the true reply from the intended recipient of her last message, signed _Ezri Dax_.

            Lenara’s fingers hovered over the controls, wondering where exactly to begin, figuring that there was no need to introduce herself as she was sure the newest host was becoming intimately familiar with her memories at the moment. She settled on a simple start to this new beginning.

            _Welcome back._


End file.
